The Fairest of Them All: A Twisted Drarry Tale
by LynstHolin
Summary: When Queen Bellatrix asks her magic mirror who the fairest of them all is, she isn't pleased when the answer is "Your nephew, Princess Draco."


Warnings: Very brief, mild suggestiveness.

...

Queen Bellatrix sat before her magic mirror brushing her long black hair. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" She pursed her lips smugly, sure that she would get the same answer that she'd gotten the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that... Queen Bellatrix, she of the bedroom eyes and the wardrobe envied by every goth girl across the land, was surely still the fairest of them all.

The mirror made a little 'ahem' sound. "You're still pretty hot, for an older woman, but your nephew Princess Draco is now the fairest in the land."

"_What_?" The Queen let out an enraged shriek. She raised her hand, intending to smash the mirror with her brush, but she caught herself. "I'll take care of this. I most certainly will." She got up from her vanity stool and threw open her window. She could see Princess Draco sitting on the perfectly manicured grass of the back garden with a dappled fawn in his lap. His off-the-shoulder gown was blue silk, with the skirt slit down the front to show a ruffled petticoat, and he had dainty embroidered slippers on his slim feet. He wore a silver tiara on his head. He laughed and clapped his hands as bunnies and squirrels frolicked for him.

The Queen made a retching sound. "Oh, puh-_leeeze_, that's just too much! _Hagrid, come here it once_!" she hollered, frightening all the woodland creatures away. Princess Draco looked up at his aunt, his eyes swimming with tears. "Yeah, that's not going to work on me, blondie."

"Yeh called, yer Majesty?" Hagrid was bowing and scraping just outside the Queen's chamber door.

The Queen closed the window. "I want you to take Princess Draco out to the woods."

Hagrid's face brightened. "A picnic for the wee pretty princess? It'd be a right pleasure, yer Majesty."

The Queen snorted. "Wee? He's taller than I am. You can take him on a picnic, if you like, as long as you kill him afterward."

Hagrid looked confused. "Yer Majesty?"

"Just bring my his heart and lungs as proof."

"Beggin' yer pardon, yer Majesty, but tha's... disgustin'."

Queen Bellatrix screamed and hurled her hairbrush, hitting Hagrid on the nose.

Hagrid cowered and and covered his head with his arms. "Alrigh', alrigh'!"

...

Princess Draco skipped down the forest path, swishing his skirts. "A picnic! How wonderful!" he sang out.

Hagrid plodded behind him, carrying a cloth-covered basket. "Yeh. A proper delight."

The Princess stopped and turned to the woodsman. "Why do you sound so gloomy, Hagrid? We're having ever so much fun."

Hagrid sighed and dropped the basket. He reached behind and grasped the axe he had strapped to his back. "Sorry ter have ter do this, Princess, but yer aunt gave me orders."

The Princess' eyes widened as the woodsman advanced on him, sunlight glinting off the axe's cruelly sharp blade. "You're going to kill me?" His lips trembled. His eyes got even bigger, and they shimmered with tears. Hagrid raised the axe over his head, and the Princess dropped to his knees and clasped his hands together pleadingly. "Please, pretty please, don't kill me, Hagrid," he begged as one crystal-like tear rolled down his cheek.

"Ah, I can't do it!" Hagrid threw his axe into the trees. "Yer aunty wants yeh dead, Princess. Run away and don't come back."

...

A bushy-haired girl sat on a stump, frowning as she flipped through a book. She was dressed all in brown: pointy cap, tunic, and leggings. "It's all wrong," she muttered, "I've got to figure out what to do."

Princess Draco, who'd just come into the clearing, said, "You just need to use a better conditioner." The girl scowled up at the newcomer. "You said something was all wrong, and I just assumed you meant your hair. It's rather frightful."

The girl rubbed her eyes, then stared hard at the Princess. "This is most definitely _not right_."

"I'm Princess Draco."

"You can't be a princess," the girl snapped.

"Why not?"

"Because-because-because-oh!" The girl tore at her hair in frustration. "If only I could remember! Everything is _wrong_."

"Well, I know for certain that I'm a princess, because I have a tiara. See? Isn't it pretty? And only a princess would have a dress like this." Princess Draco held his arms out and spun, making his skirts bell out.

"I think it takes more than just clothing and accessories to be a princess," the girl said.

"Don't mind _her_," said a freckle-faced ginger

"She's no fun at all. That's why her name is Grumpy," said another, identical freckle-faced ginger.

"That's not my name!" the girl exclaimed.

"It's not? Then what, pray tell-" said one twin.

"-is your name, then?" the other twin said.

The girl pressed a hand to her forehead. "It's-it's-oh, I can't remember anything."

"My name is Dopey," said one twin to the Princess.

"My name is Dopey," said the other.

"That actually sounds right," Grumpy said.

"The three of us are-"

"The Seven Dwarves."

Grumpy screamed in frustration. "There are only three of us, and we're not dwarves!"

"I'm pleased to make your acquaintance." The Princess fluttered his eyelashes at the twins.

"The pleasure is-"

"-all ours, Princess."

...

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" Queen Bellatrix purred, preening before her magic mirror."

"I'm sorry, your Majesty, it's still Princess Draco."

After a few hours of ranting and raving and throwing things at Hagrid, the Queen was exhausted. As she sprawled on her throne in a sweaty heap, she had an idea.

...

Grumpy was grumpy. Grumpy was the very personification of grumpiness. The twins had moved the Princess into their 'cozy' (miniscule) cottage. Princess Draco had decided that he liked Grumpy's chair at the dinner table, so now Grumpy had to eat while sitting on a large stew pot. The Princess found Grumpy's bed to be the most comfortable; he'd thrown a tantrum when Grumpy suggested sharing the bed, so Grumpy had to sleep on the floor. The Princess took Grumpy's cutest nightgown (a lacy blue babydoll) and favorite pair of underpants (pink and white leopard print stretch satin) and used up all of her bath bombs and Cherry Chapstick.

"Isn't he just as-"

"-pretty as a picture?"

The twins were staring at the Princess with besotted looks on their faces. The Princess held a finger up, and a goldcrest alit on it. Princess Draco and the tiny songbird began to sing a duet.

Dopey put a hand over his heart. "Even wild animals love the Princess."

The other Dopey sighed happily. "They sense that he is everything pure and good."

Grumpy mimed gagging. When the twins weren't looking, the Princess stuck his tongue out at her. When the song ended, the Princess put a hand to his forehead and wobbled a little. "I'm quite hungry."

"Grumpy, go-"

"-make dinner."

"Why do I always have to cook?" Grumpy demanded.

"Because we don't want to," said Dopey.

"And Princesses can't cook. Everyone knows that," said Dopey.

Grumbling, the girl headed to the ivy-covered cottage and set to work making a meal. Venison, asparagus, and a salad. The Princess took two bites and set his fork down. "I'm quite full now. Grumpy, do you think you should eat all that? Your tunic is getting a bit snug."

...

"Don't you have anything better to do than follow me around?" Grumpy asked crossly. She couldn't even spend an afternoon picking berries along the edge of the forest without the damned Princess ruining it for her.

"You're one of my subjects. It's your duty to entertain me when I'm bored. Oh, how sweet!" Two fox kits trotted up to Princess Draco. The Princess picked up his skirts and began to frolic with them.

Pink straps peeked out of Princess Draco's tight-laced bodice. "Why are you wearing my bra? You don't even have a bosom," Grumpy asked.

"Neither do you," the Princess sang as he made a pirouette.

"My, what a beautiful princess!" There was an old, bent woman on the path leading out of the woods. "One as pretty as you deserves a present."

The Princess clapped his hands. "I love presents ever so much!"

The old woman reached into her basket and pulled out a perfect green apple. "Here you go, dearie." She vanished back into the forest faster than one woud think was possible for such an ancient crone.

The Princess looked at the apple and pouted. "I wanted a tennis bracelet."

"I'll eat it." Grumpy reached for the apple.

Princess Draco pulled the apple away from Grumpy. "It's mine! You can't have it!"

"Whatever."

The Princess brought the apple to his mouth. When his white teeth pierced the glossy skin, there was a flash of green light, and the Princess fell lifelessly to the ground.

...

"Um, you don't think that this is a little... creepy?" Grumpy stared at Princess Draco's body, displayed in a glass coffin in the front garden.

Dopey wiped away his tears. "Even in death, his beauty is too exquisite to hide."

"The good always die young," Dopey wailed.

...

"Excuse me, miss, could you get my horse a drink of water?" The speaker was a black-haired boy. He was tall, with vivid green eyes behind his spectacles, and he was wearing a golden crown.

"Yeah, I'm so thirsty, I would drink an ogre's bath water," said the horse. He was chestnut, with darker speckles all over his coat.

"Sure." Grumpy started drawing water out of the well.

The Prince got off his horse and walked around, stretching his legs. He let out a gasp when he saw Princess Draco, who was still in pristine condition inside the glass coffin. "I know, freaky, right?" Grumpy said.

"How cruel that such beauty was stolen from the world!" The Prince hurled the lid off the coffin, shattering the glass. "I don't care if he's dead. I simply _must_ kiss him."

"Ewwwwww," said Grumpy.

"I can't watch this," said the horse.

The Prince leaned down and gathered the Princess in his arms. His kiss pressed the Princess' lips open, and a piece of apple fell out. Princess Draco's eyes opened. "Oh, you saved me," he simpered as he wound his arms around the Prince. "I'm so grateful. I'll do anything you want to thank you. And I do mean _anything_." He pulled the Prince down for another kiss and wrapped a leg around his waist. The Prince started working at the lacings on the bodice of the Princess' gown. Grumpy tiptoed toward the cottage as the Prince climbed into the coffin.

CRACK

Hermione was laying face-down on a splintery floor. She got up on all fours and looked around, finding herself inside an abandoned, roofless stone cottage. Harry, Hagrid, Ron and the twins were there, too, and they also looked dazed. Dumbledore was standing among them with his wand pointed at Bellatrix, who screamed and apparated away. "You were all caught in a very powerful spell. I got here just in time. A few minutes longer, and you'd have been trapped in an alternate reality forever. It must have been Bellatrix, because none of you have the skill to create something like that."

Hermione's attention was caught by Draco, who was sitting daintily on a window sill. He was wearing a blue silk gown and a tiara. "Oh, you _just happened _to be dressed like a fairy tale princess when you got caught up a fairy tale about a princess?"

Draco inspected himself in a compact mirror. "You heard Dumbledore. I couldn't possibly have done something like that." Pleased with what he saw, he snapped the compact shut and stuck it in his bodice. "You shouldn't frown like that, Granger; you'll get wrinkles. Oops, too late."

...

"Who do you think the Prince will pick to be his bride?" a mother asked.

"Oh, I do hope it's my daughter! It would be wonderful having such a rich, handsome son-in-law!" another replied.

The bushy-haired girl stared at the women. They were... off. Identical twins with ginger hair and freckles. The girl couldn't put her finger on it, but she knew they weren't _right_.

The girl turned her gaze to the black-haired, green-eyed Prince as he danced with... wait. This couldn't be right. The Prince was dancing with a blond boy wearing a spangled white satin gown and glass slippers. The clock struck midnight and the boy fled, leaving a slipper behind.

The Prince was cradling the delicate footwear in his hands, a completely smitten look on his face. "I will find him. I will marry him. He will be the mother of my children."

"That's not biologically possible," the girl snapped.

The Prince said, "With an attitude like that, it's no wonder your name is Ugly Step-Sister."

The girl was outraged. "That is not my name!"

"Oh?" the Prince challenged, "Then what _is_ your name?

"I... it's... I can't remember!" She clutched her head. "It's all wrong. It's all wrong. It's all wrong."

...

And they all lived happily ever after, except for Ugly Step-Sister, who got a reputation for being mad.


End file.
